#3.
Complimenting Her Looks
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You’ve got it this time. After a night of chatting up ladies, acting disinterested and dancing like a seizure victim, a gorgeous woman for
some reason comes up to talk to you. Amazingly, you’re holding it
together and all signs are pointing to the two of you bumping uglies at
the end of the night. In an effort to seal the deal, you compliment her
on how attractive she is.
Moments later, she’s scurrying off with the drink you bought her to rejoin her friends and make jokes at the expense of you and your Ed
Hardy T-shirt.
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The Cracked office dress code.
What the Hell Happened?!
Shockingly, women really do want you to care about more than their great tits. In a study by one of the leading dating sites on the Web,
they found that telling
a woman she was attractive actually made her more likely to reject
you. Also making her more likely to reject you: that collection of
Pokemon cards you refuse to dispose of because “they’ll make you rich
someday.” But we digress.
Words like “sexy,” “beautiful” and “hot” made a woman much less likely than average to respond to your initial overtures. Meanwhile
attempting to show interest in her by mentioning some of her pastimes,
favorite things, etc. resulted in a much higher than average response.
Keep that in mind if you ever get the chance to chat up Megan Fox. Don’t tell her she’s gorgeous. Talk about all the other things you know
she’s into like bad acting, terrible tattoos and not wearing a lot of
clothes. She’ll be yours in no time.
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Don’t forget, “being shinier than a G.I. Joe.”
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What more can women want from you? You feign interest in attending their Real Housewives of Orange County viewing parties, listen
to their drama with their asshole ex-boyfriend, help get them home free
of the risk of date rape when they’re really drunk–you even stop by
with painkillers to help with their hangover the next morning.
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There is literally nothing you could do to be nicer to them and yet you’re still just a friend, a “great guy,” and therefore completely
rejected.
What the Hell Happened?!
We really hate to say it but women are scientifically proven to like “bad boys.” Apparently there is something called the
“dark triad” (dibs on the band name) of personality traits that still
exist and even flourish in humans despite the fact that, evolutionarily,
they are bad for the continuation of the species.
They include exploitation, thrill-seeking/callous behavior and self-obsession. Since people like this are assholes, science dictates
that they should have been bred out of the gene pool a long time ago. Of
course, they weren’t. And it’s because the ladies love bad boys.
Scientists found that the higher a man scored on the “dark triad”
(seriously, that name is the shit) scale the more sex partners he had
had and the more likely he was to be looking for short flings.
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Assholes have all the fun.
Basically, while they won’t make great long term partners, for thousands of years women have been engaging in one night stands with
“bad boys,” getting knocked up and prolonging not only the suffering of
man but also the use of Axe Body Spray.
You hear that ladies? The self-centered, destructive jerks of the world are all your fault. Try using some self control once in a while.
Or, at the very least, a condom.
#1.
Having the Wrong Name
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So far, nothing has worked, and that girl you’ve been putting the moves on up and started dating someone who can only be described as “Jersey
Shore-like.” Desperate, you attend a singles mixer. One of those
things where everyone has to wear a geeky little name tag and guys try
to look successful but laid back by wearing both a tie and jeans.
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Good luck, shit-eyes.
Everyone here is looking for a date. There is no way you can strike out. Yet every woman you approach smiles, then glances at your name tag
and suddenly turns away. You haven’t even said anything yet! What could
you POSSIBLY have done to turn her off this time?!
What the Hell Happened?!
You can blame your parents for this one. Apparently, your first name can drastically influence how successful you are and, yes, even how attractive
people consider you. According to a study
of 6,000 people, men named Michael, James and David are the clear
winners, with all three placing in the top ten for Most Successful,
Luckiest, and yes, Most Attractive names. George and Paul on the other
hand? Well, just resign yourselves to a life of minimum wage jobs,
accidents and loneliness (unless you’re a Beatle, apparently).
Your best bet is to go for women named Anne, who suffer from the same horrible affliction as you: uglynameitis.
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YOU SICKEN ME.
These scientists are totally serious. One even wrote a book that includes a section helping you change your name as an adult in order to reverse
all the misfortune your parents unknowingly saddled you with. So to all
the Georges out there, simply start answering to Ryan and the ladies
will come flocking.
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